you know like, smell the roses… gamedev has been at a bit of a standstill for myself. something about life right now has me re-questioning what i want to be doing for the next 10-15 years.

making games is starting to not feel fun anymo’

but i still love doing it… let me explain;

when i think too long term, a lot of my favorite parts of the game development process can be put off until a later time in the game’s dev life cycle; i.e. the art assets, music production, art asset prop making.

and coming from a sense of having almost no time to myself (like 2-3 hours a day with a 40 hour work week + daily responsibilities) it only made sense to me to lean and mean.

this led me to a pantser gamedev style where programmer art was the obvious choice and music + sfx were free assets. nothing wrong with that but after a certain point an art-focused human such as myself starts itching to get to the part i was looking forward to. the asset making.

me stuff

because of personal ability, environmental factors or something benign like bad luck, i have FAILED NUMEROUS goals related to game development because of my inability to stay focused on a single project.

could be undiagnosed adhd/’tism or maybe some other underlying demons that keep me from being consistent enough to get any of my past personal projects past a prototype/demo phase, but i think im done fighting it…?

you can do anything you put your mind to

im a firm believer of most people having a good chance of making anything possible with enough effort, but something i never thought of much before is what the cost is.

me trying to be a ‘successful game dev’ as soon as i can so i can feel fulfilled with a career on something im deeply passionate about, is making me take an approach i no longer like. especially if that career may never come.

i feel im naturally a hermit, but ive had to set aside friendly dates, family gatherings, and have declined promotions for this possibility that maybe i would love. but honestly and more importantly, im putting aside my hobbies lmao. now imagine 7+ years of ignoring hobby time.

perhaps game development as a full time or even part time career is simply not in the cards for me and i think ive made my peace with that now. instead my game development interest might need expectations set to be similar like a person’s model trainset, warhammer models or gunpla dioramas.

if i have an inkling of still wanting a career or at the very least some side-income from gamedev, i should be mindful to make these hobby-projects still small in scope and release them on steam.

delulu time over

all thats changing i guess really, is that i’ll be taking gamedev “less seriously”. no more frantic prototype making or deadline-meeting. if the world ends, it does so. if my art and games fade into obscurity the day i die, then it shall be so.

at the very least i didnt run myself anxious, ragged and hopefully had fun making the few silly things i did get finished and at the same time, having a normal work-life balance.

a repivot i suppose

guess this also means that i’ll need to find a thing to specialize in to make money from. thats for another time to think of though. gamedev has been promoted to lesser hobby once again.

until next time